Espial Excerpt: February 14
"Obsession" (Acrylic on Canvas, 20 x 14 in)
Eric Lechpammer
Courtesy of the Creative Writing Club, this Espial Excerpt features the most recent batch of student artwork and poetry, soon to be featured in the 2022 print edition of the Espial, Newman’s very own creative writing magazine.
“Untitled”, Sophia Brisbois ‘24
Through my fault Through my fault Through my most greatest fault
Walt Whitman chases me around my room Poe sleeps at my empty side Plath bakes the mornings tobacco bread While Salinger puffed at his typewriter
Uncle Walt has caught up to me in the form of a tattoo on my shoulder and an arm around my waist pulling me back into the rickety old folding chair and pouring hot ink down my throat till it pours out of my nose and splashes onto the page to form bunches of words that sophophilics dissect and butcher till the technicolour yawn is nothing but letters
I've polished off bottle after bottle pack after pack hour after hour trying to pull another line or lie out of the depths of my throat I stroll through central park alone ignoring my neurosis and walking until the blisters finally pop and I can walk no more. Now I must crawl on my hands and knees back to lay on the hollow chest of Poe while mad man Walt still chases me around my room and Plath walks in to serve me the evening's tobacco bread. Salinger has slumped over his typewriter.
Cold.
“Untitled”, Anonymous Author
They started to feel off, floaty, disconnected. They felt as if their consciousness was being pulled away, yanked from their being. Their thoughts and feelings were being forced out of their head and given to another, they saw someone. Someone different. Someone that took their consciousness, someone that took their body and— They were back. It was.. Night? How much time passed? What did that someone do? What happened? What did they do? Who were they?
“Anxiety”, Anonymous Author
My mind is my biggest bully gives me unreasonable things to worry about fills me with what ifs
What if they don't come back What if they get in a car crash What if they die in that car crash What if i'm an orphan now What will happen if they die What if i die
“I get anxiety attacks thinking about death” “your 9 years old, its stupid to worry about that” Why is she saying this to me, a doctor, my doctor
My stomach, it hurts, I feel like I have to throw up Oh no, I'm sick, I’m gonna die “your not gonna die, you just have a stomach bug” Doom, all I feel is impending doom Takes over my mind and body feels as the world is collapsing Everyone I love is gonna die Im gonna die What if I don't see them again
My mind, Abusing my thoughts at every twist and turn in the hallways, knocking my thoughts down like textbooks on the floor, Violating my every step, it's there with me like a shadow that I wish could disappear but won’t, it sits next to me in class telling me not to rise my hand so I‘m not a know it all or dumb, either way there is no winning cause either way it taunts me in the hall, courtyard, at lunch, everywhere I go it hunts me down till I’m at my lowest Manhandling my emotions like their nothing and laughing when I'm about to cry Terrorizing me with every step and move I make
A therapist, Erica, Amanda, Emily On Tuesday I see her We play with sand to cope Square breathing, just draw a square in your palm while breathing That will help right? No, they hate me I‘m hated, what's the point in having a friend if they hate you “Why do they hate me?” “they don't hate you” Then why do I feel like they do
Stuff it down, don’t show emotion Don't show it affected you Don't tell people what's wrong They don't care, won't care, they will think your exaggerating So stuff it down so it never comes up again
“Why are you sad?” I don't know I forgot why I had that emotion in the first place I just stuffed it down so it doesn't show My emotional bottle is overflowing I feel the need to cry but can't It's just numb, I'm just numb I don't feel anything when my brain picks me apart like vultures I don't feel anything when they say mean comments to me I don't feel, I'm just numb
Pinching, why are you pinching Trying to see if I feel anything Trying to distract myself from overflowing and breaking
“Hey, what's wrong?” Nothing, I’m fine Everything I’m not fine “Are you okay?” Yes, of course No, I'm not “Then why aren't you smiling” Shit, make sure to smile more so they don't know What do you mean i'm smiling, im fine “Hey, talk to me” All I feel is numb “Why” I don't know “Well if you don't know then you don't need to be numb” See they don't care, they don't care about you
My friends are hanging out without me again I knew it, they hate me, I’m a waste A waste of space, a waste of time, A waste, a waste, a waste Maybe you should be medicated Medicated? Yeah it will help 5, 10, 15, 20 milligrams of adderall Don't, Don’t take it, it makes your stomach ache and nauseous Doom, now I feel doom, I thought it was suppose to help me
Make sure you don't say to much you'll offend someone Dont ask to many questions you’ll seem dumb, you are dumb Don't bring up them not inviting you, you don't want them to feel bad My mind is my biggest bully, there's nothing that will stop it No medication, no therapist, no friend to talk to It's there, its big, and there's no way I can stop it
